When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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Living the best life.. 😊
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The Sun
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.