When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.