4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Day 2 of my diet
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.