When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.