when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)