when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
How do you milk an almond?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.