This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
The internet is magic sometimes.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.