When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Cucumbers Anonymous
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either