Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.