When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Proctology is located in A55
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still