Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.