@kyle_thatisall: When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment "nice" on everyones old pool pics
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@MasterOfMoppets: These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy. [eats another coaster]
@sarcasm_inc: Bouncer: Woah. Dress code Me: This is a suit B: Yeah, a chicken suit. *puts nugget in bouncer's pocket *pats it M: We good? B: Have fun, sir
@KKAlThani: David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows