@kyle_thatisall: When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment "nice" on everyones old pool pics
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@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@evidentlyblonde: When people ask me "plz" because its shorter than "please".. I just tell them "no" because its shorter than "yes."
@Mr_Kapowski: *guy looks around to see if anyone is looking* *sees the coast is clear, licks tree* And that's how they found out about maple syrup
@Staggfilms: STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes? CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine— CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.