*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan