@TheMongoose69: When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I'd make a terrible midwife.
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@DickScurvy: Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.
@_sinistroll: ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO! COWORKER: Amanda. ME: Why would you assume it's a man?
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*