@SCbchbum: When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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@joejwest: LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list] bread milk cheese eggs vengeance [he stops writing, frowns] v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ grapes
@tastefactory: My computer keeps giving me an error message saying "The Printer Can't Be Found." Uh buddy it's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
@Bdell1014: Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you'll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.
@tripeface: My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.