Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir