sliding into dms like
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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Doctor: Do you smoke?
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes