I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
What
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.