When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
You Might Also Like
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I want what they have
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.