When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor