When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
You Might Also Like
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.