@tequilasaltlife: When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
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@Playing_Dad: [God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.
@slaughthie: Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."
@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool