I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
cause of death:
autopsy.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision