When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
shit just got real
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.