When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself