When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower