@krissywillbretz: When I said "I'm really good in bed" I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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@CVTBaby: You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you're eating -- you ALWAYS spill something on it? It's cuz you're a pig.
@neerjagurnani: The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
@WiseguyPictures: Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren't going to school. Mon-1 Mom-0