When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket