So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.