BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what