Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
You Might Also Like
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me, flirting😏
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”