When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Ape together strong
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right