When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.