I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour