Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!