A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.