When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Breakfast for Stoners:
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up