This makes total sense…
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.