Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses