Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Oh yeah that’s it
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something