@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
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@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@CourtneyBale: To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
@rolldiggity: Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, "1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?" and "2: Does he have access to a mask shop?"