@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
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@Brianhopecomedy: Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, "The M&M's".
@Tacet_no_more: When my wife says "I don't want to talk about it" that's woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what "It" is
@TheTalkingPipe: Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.