i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.