@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
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@saucy_peaches: Marriage tips 1. Separate bank accounts 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate homes 4. Separate dates w/other ppl 5. 6. Don't get married
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband." Tina: "My husband was murdered?!" Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."
@Mostly_Cheese: Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?