Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!