@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
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@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
@TheToddWilliams: COP: Your home was robbed ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system C: Didn't work M: Back to the drawing board C: They stole that M: Dang
@DiscoFruit: i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you.. - bees
@DannyZuker: As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.