When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink

@CorkyKneivel: Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders. And none of them ever call me again.

1

@tarashoe: that wasn't the question

2

@juliussharpe: I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

51

@ShittyComedian: Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

3

@brianbowman73: I heard you like bad boys? *jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour* Sup.

120

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets