@thepunningman: Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

@SteveMartinToGo: This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.

@peteholmes: i bet all the girls say "i bet you say that to all the girls" to all the guys.

@Parentpains: My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

@meganamram: Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.