@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
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@Gooooats: It turns out no one likes "the real me" and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.
@ClichedOut: [first day as lifeguard] Kid: *waving dramatically* Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
@brendohare: Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.