@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
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@Cheeseboy22: Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."
@bridger_w: If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I'll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?