Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair