[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I have a type: disappointing
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?