@SonOfCha: When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it's been there for years & set it free.
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@reinert03: Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it's gone by tomorrow.
@TheGladStork: Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@ItsAndyRyan: "Everyone has at least one novel inside them" – Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent