When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
this is the best interaction on twitter
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.