When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
some Old Testament wisdom
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)