@botandy: when I see a Facebook relationship status 'it's complicated' I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?
@Matt_The_1st: I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
@aka_fatman: "I finally caught up with my son." "That's good. Progress. How did it go?" "Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him." - Vader & therapist