when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
my proudest tweet
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
welp
And now we wait
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.