when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Meow?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“We will wed,” I threatened
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.