@AndyShulk: When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
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@parkersJoking: [at Dr. appointment] Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet. Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
@KLC47: @KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70's and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don't get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me