When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Lady: Don鈥檛 go there it鈥檚 a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here鈥檚 a pizza.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I鈥檓 going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
is it earth
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I鈥檓 writing Spider Ma鈥檃m, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn鈥檛 freaking need this.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 馃檨
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.