Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct