my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago