@roggyie: When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `"WASH ME"` on her face.
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@OneFunnyMummy: On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
@UncleBob56: Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line? Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.
@LHGarrett: PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, "Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet." [spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
@richardosman: My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.