@OneFunnyMummy: On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

@UncleBob56: Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line? Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma G-ma: Can he use my walker? He's been drinking.

@LHGarrett: PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, "Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet." [spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@richardosman: My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@slimmy_shady: [wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!