Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.